A Heart for A Heart
by BoxOfTrinkets
Summary: I should have stopped it. I could have stopped it. I hate myself. I shouldn't be alive. I don't deserve to be alive. I cant be alive any more. Not while she's not. . it got deleted so i had to upload it again
1. Prolouge

I loved her more than anything in the world. She was my whole life. She was my everything. She kept me breathing. She made me feeling alive. She gave me a rush that became like my drug. I loved her. I had always loved her. I only wished I had told her sooner. So I could have had her for longer. So I could have stopped it from happening. I saw it happening. I knew what she was going through. I didn't want to believe it. She always seemed so unbreakable. I loved her. I should have done something when I first began to see it. I should have stopped it. I could have stopped it. I hate myself. I shouldn't be alive. I don't deserve to be alive. I cant be alive any more. Not while she's not.

Fredward Benson.

March. 2010


	2. The Day it Happened

That cold day found me and Carly half dead with boredom on her couch, watching bad reruns of that idiotic girly cow show that she and Sam were so obsessed with. I personally found nothing humorous about it but then again I guess that's why it's called girly cow instead of funny cow. Anyways.

"Bored." Carly moaned, throwing her arms over her eyes

"So bored." I moaned in response.

"Wonder what we can do…"She murmured suggestively, peeking out at me from under her eyes. Knowing what was on her mind; I shot her a look and turned back to the cow prancing around in her dress. Carly pouted and went back to staring at the TV as well.

"Where's Sam?" I asked, suddenly aware of how quiet things were.

"What do you care?" She snapped, anger creeping into her normally sweet voice.

"Sorry." I whispered. Carly glared for a second longer before slowly turning back to the TV. I sighed. I knew why she was so hissy about me asking. I knew she still liked me even though I broke it off with her, and I knew she was still a little ticked off that I dumped her in the first place. And sure, she was beautiful, and sure, she was charmingly quirky, but as much as I wanted it to, kissing Carly just hadn't felt right. Every time we kissed, my mind unconsciously shot back in time until I was sitting on a dark fire escape, locked in an eight-second kiss with her best friend. Also, I was fully aware of the fact that I had fallen in love with said best friend, and my feelings for my pretty brunette friend had melted into a strictly platonic friendship. Call me masochistic.

"Freddie?? Freddieeeeee?" Carly called in her singsong voice, waving her hand in front of my face.

"Huh?" I snapped out of it and turned to face her surly expression. "What?"

"Why you so spacey?" She asked.

Before I could answer, the front door banged open and Sam bounded in, all flying blonde curls and smiles. Her face was flushed red with joy and cold and her bright blue eyes shone with excitement.

"CARLY!!" she screamed as she leapt on the couch, accidentally kicking me in the chest, sending me tumbling to the floor.

"Carly, your never gonna guess what happened!" she squealed, grabbing Carly's shoulders and shaking her.

"What happened Sam?" Carly asked with a giggle, prying Sam's fingers off her shoulders.

"You kicked me in the chest?" I asked angrily, rubbing the sore spot on my chest where her sneaker had collided with me.

"Shut it Frednub!" She snapped over her shoulder at me. I smirked. She glared before turning back to Carly.

"Rocky Everett asked me out!" Sam shrieked, bouncing up and down on the couch.

"Oh my god Hot Rocky?! No way!" Carly clutched Sam's hands and they squealed girlishly.

What?. Rocky Everett was an intimidating six foot four of pure muscle and facial hair who was drunk half the time and high off his ass the other half of the time. My insides burned with fear and jealously.

"You mean senior Rocky who drinks and who totaled that vending machine last year?" I asked Sam in disbelief.

"Yeah!" She screamed, falling backwards into Carly's lap.

"You cant go out with him! I shouted, jumping up from the floor.

"And why not Fredweird?" She demanded, jumping off Carly's lap and thumping me on the forehead.

"OW!" I cried, rubbing my forehead. "He's trouble Sam!"

"Uh, Yeah! Why do you think he's so hot?" she asked, rolling her eyes at me.

I watched her in disbelief as she and Carly continued to squeal over Sam's news. I wanted to say something. To stop her from going out with that creep senior with the rumored rape conviction.

"But…" I started to protest again, but this time it was Carly who cut me off.

"Sam's a big girl and I'm sure she can take care of herself." She said, standing up and glaring at me over Sam's shoulder.

I groaned, irritated. At Carly for being such a bitch, Sam for not realizing how idiotic she was being, and at myself for making it just a bit too obvious that I was jealous. I rolled my eyes at my friends and turned to the door.

"Hey where you going?" Carly called.

"Home I answered shortly, shutting the door behind me.

"What's his deal." I heard Sam ask through the door.

"No idea." I heard Carly answer.

_I should have gone back. Gone back and told her. Told her everything. But no. instead I sealed her fate and left her there to gab to Carly about her new boyfriend. I knew it wasn't gonna end well. I stood there in the hallway and fought the urge to turn back into Carly's apartment and grab her and shake her and yell at her that. I needed her. That she couldn't go out with him. To this day I continually bang my head against my cell wall and curse myself for being such a fucking idiot. My Sam. It was all my fault. _


	3. The Day i noticed

Two weeks later found me walking towards Carly's locker to give her back her math book when I stopped, surprised. Sam was leaning next to Carly with her back to me. I hadn't seen much of Sam as of late. In fact I had hardly seen her at all in the past two weeks. My mood lifted slightly. Despite the physical and emotional pain she caused me on a daily basis, I missed her. Kinda. I stopped right behind Sam.

"Hola Muchacha's" I said with a smile.

Carly jumped slightly and looked over Sam's head. "Hi Freddie." she said all grinning and flustered. I had to refrain myself from rolling my eyes.

"Yo Frednub" Sam answered, turning around and offering me a lopsided grin that made my heart flutter. I looked down at her and my fluttering heart constricted for a second. The faintest shadow of a bruise discolored her pale cheekbone and red marks lined the bit of the shoulder I could see above the neckline of her shirt. Before I realized what I was doing, I had unconsciously lifted a hand to softly cup her face and gently run my thumb over her cheekbone.

"What happened Sam?" I asked her quietly, my voice coming out lower and huskier than I intended.

Sam's face flushed a deep shade of pink and I could feel her face growing hot under my hand. Her eyes darted to the floor before she lifted them back up to my gaze, as if she couldn't help herself. Though I was concerned, I couldn't help but admire her beauty as her lower lip trembled and twitched as though she was going to say something, but no sound came out. I raised an eyebrow and she swallowed. It took me a minute to grasp that she was flustered. I fought back a smirk, not wanting to piss her off.

"She ran into a door." Carly cut in, slapping my hand away from Sam's face and stepping between me and Sam. "That's what she told me, that's what happened. Right Sam?" Carly's voice went high and hysterical towards the end. She turned and glared at Sam. "Right Sam?" She repeated almost forcefully, her tone of voice juxtaposed to the wide fake grin that was plastered across her face.

Sam blinked and shook her head slightly, seeming to come to her senses. "Yeah, a door." she scowled at me before reaching into Carly's locker and digging out her small bottle of hand sanitizer and rubbing some on the spot where my hand came into contact with her face. "Why'd you have to go and get your dork germs all over me?" she demanded sourly, throwing the sanitizer back into Carly's locker.

I scowled back. "Well forgive me for caring Puckett." I spat at her, not meaning a word of it. She rolled her blue eyes at me and snorted sarcastically. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched Carly smile softly to herself, happy that our moment was over and we were back to fighting. I opened my mouth to shoot another insult at her, but my throat closed up and the insult died on my tongue as I caught sight of her expression. She was staring over my shoulder, looking slightly terrified.

"Sam? I asked, slightly nervous. She didn't answer, only continued to stare over my shoulder, her face pale as the white shirt she had on, making the bruise stand out even more. I was about to turn around to see what she was staring at, but before I could turn, the over powering smell of beer and weed hit my nose. I almost gagged.

"H-h-hey rocky." Sam stuttered nervously, donning a fake smile to offer to her boyfriend. Rocky sauntered forward and wrapped his heavily muscled arm around Sam's pale shoulders. He glared down at me, I stared back. He swayed slightly; his dirty plaid shirt was grease stained at was about two sizes too small for him. He towered over Sam a good foot and half, and his long greasy hair almost brushed the top of her head.

"Rocky." I said curtly.

"Benson." he growled uninterestedly "Sup Carls." he added as a side note to Carly. She beamed at him. Clearly I was the only one who got ugly vibes from this creep. Idiots.

He looked down at the blonde girl under his arm and stoked her face in what might have been meant to be a sweet and gentle gesture, but looked rather painful. "We're out." he mumbled, leading Sam away almost forcefully.

"Bye Carly" Sam calls nervously over her shoulder. "Nub." she adds as an after thought before allowing Rocky to lead her away. I watched them walk away before turning back to Carly, who to my surprise was wearing an expression that was mingled fear and anxiety. She looked at me and seemed to ask me with her eyes.

"I don't like him either." I answered shortly, holding out Carly's math book. She took it slowly and took another look at Sam and Rocky's retreating forms.

"He's so… creepy." Carly said, adding a girly shoulder shake to emphasize her point. "I used to think he was so hot but now that I've actually spoken to him, he's just so…I don't know. He seems so dangerous." she added softly, almost as though talking to herself. She shook her head and smiled at me. "Well, Sam will be Sam I guess." she said as though it solved everything. My turn to roll my eyes. I was too bugged to argue when Carly took my wrist and led me to class.

_I turned back and fucking watched him lead her away. Drag her away. I saw that fucking bruise. I saw how scared she was. And I let him take her. She was so self destructive that even when it's not her whose hurting her she stays. I let her go. I could have gone back. Shaken off Carly's hand and gone back and dragged her away from Rocky. I could have stopped it. I could have saved her. She could still be here… she would still be alive. My nurse noticed more marks on my forehead when she brought me my medicine. She asked me nicely to stop banging my head against my wall. I only nodded so she wouldn't bother me anymore. I do anything she asks me to. She's beautiful. With long curly blonde hair and bright blue eyes. Eyes that remind me of the girl I loved. The girl i love. The girl who I let die. _


	4. The Day i Failed

I didn't see Sam for about another week or so, when I was up in the studio, setting up all my stuff, watching Carly brush her hair and waiting for Sam to show up so we could start the show. I really wasn't paying attention to whatever it was Carly was gabbing on about but I nodded occasionally to make her think I was listening. She was really starting to bug me lately. She was always flirting with me. Either she was growing more annoying or I was just growing more cynical. I don't even know. I blamed it on Sam at the time.

"What do you think?" Carly asked me, her face just inches from mine.

I flinched, not having noticed her walking up to me. "What?" I asked her, suddenly wishing I had been paying attention.

She pouted and put her hands on her hips. "Were you listening to me Freddie?" she demanded.

Thank god the door opened and Sam bounced in when she did, saving me from answering Carly.

"What goes on? " She said before she stopped and looked up at us with a strange expression and I realized that me and Carly were still inches apart. Carly seemed to realize it as well and jumped away from me.

"Hey Sam." she said with a guilty grin and looked at me and winked. I felt irritation burn up in me. We weren't even doing anything. What the hell was she winking at me for? Whatever.

"Hey Carls." she answered after a beat, a radiant smile replacing her strange expression. "Sup Fredwad." she looked at me and smirked. I studied her for a second, long enough for her to know I was studying her. Her bruise was gone but was replaced by a long gash just under her left ear and more red marks on her throat that looked like they were made by fingers. I bit my lip and stared into her eyes. She glared back defiantly before getting annoyed and turning away. "So we gonna do this or what Nub?" she asked me, snapping her fingers in front of my eyes. I rolled my eyes.

"Whatever Demon." I answered. She and Carly fixed each others hair and got themselves ready for the camera. I watched them and got a little mad. Carly pushed Sam's hair behind her ear and her fingers totally brushed the cut on her face and she didn't even lose her smile. I was so mad. But. No. I swallowed that anger and picked up the camera and pointed it at the girls.

"In 5...4...3...2..." I gestured at them to start.

"I'm not a spaceman!" Carly chirped.

"And I'm not a banana!" Sam flashed her teeth at me. I swallowed.

"But I AM Carly!"

"And Sam I AM!"

"And this in iCarly!" they yelled together, jumping up and down on one foot while Sam hit the button on her blue remote that made the invisible audience cheer loudly. I smiled softly. I didn't really pay attention to the show. I pushed the buttons I was supposed to and yelled like usual when they said something in unison and pressed there faces against the camera. Mostly I watched Sam. How the studio lights reflected off her hair and made it glimmer. How her blue eyes flashed icily whenever she laughed. How beautiful she was. And…how breakable she looked. I never realized how thin and frail she was, how small. Carly was a good four inches taller than Carly, and next to radiant Carly, Sam looked so. Fragile. Fear crept into my throat. Call it intuition.

"Well that's it for this iCarly." Sam said happily, breaking through my revere.

"And remember, always brush your cat!" Carly said, throwing her arms around Sam's thin shoulders

"Never lick a toaster!" Sam said.

"And love your distant cousins!" Carly finished happily.

"Bye!" they yelled together.

"And were clear." I said, cutting off the camera's signal and putting it down on the cart. "Great show you guys." I said. Mostly to Sam. They grinned and high fived each other.

"Who wants a snack?" Carly said, wriggling her shoulders and skipping from the room. Leaving me with Sam. She tried to brush past me but I reached out and grabbed her shoulder to hold her back. She didn't fight me and seemed to be expecting it. She sighed and looked up at me, a strange sadness in her eyes.

"I'm okay Freddie." she said softly in a completely un-Samish way, "Promise." She carefully removed my hand from her shoulder and left the room. I didn't even get a chance to say anything. Idiot.

When I finally made it downstairs Sam and Carly were sitting on the couch munching on Carly's famous fruit-Kabobs. I took the one she held out to me and sat down at her computer to check the ratings on the show we just did.

"How're the ratings?" Sam asked with her mouth full, pretending our little talk never happened.

Right before I could answer the door banged open and we all jumped and turned to see a clearly drunk Rocky swaying in the doorway with a swollen nose and deeply bloodshot eyes.

"What the yuck!" Carly exclaimed

"What are you doing here?" I demanded angrily, standing up and unconsciously placing myself slightly in front of Sam.

He didn't even seem to hear me. He pointed his thick finger a few inches to the right of Sam and glared.

"Samantha Puckett!" he slurred, attempting a step forward and almost colliding with the wall. I reached back and took Sam's small hand in my own, pulling her closer to me. I glanced back at her. She looked terrified.

"Rocky? Baby? Are you okay?" she asked softly.

He looked right at her this time and managed to stumble forward a few feet. "What the hell is this pansy ass bitch doing holding your hand?!" he demanded loudly, reaching for her. I pulled her back further behind me.

"Leave her alone Rocky!" I said firmly, stepping up to him and almost choking on the smell of alcohol and sweat that was rolling off of him in waves.

He stared at me for a split second before he pushed me so hard it sent me flying back into the island of Carly's kitchen and onto the floor. Carly and Sam both shrieked and Rocky took advantage of Sam's distraction and grabbed her wrist.

"OW! Rocky that hurts! Let go!" she tried to fight him off and I watched in horror as he pulled his hand back and slapped her across the face with what looked like all the strength he could manage. Carly yelled again and covered her face with her hands. Real helpful Carls. I waited for Sam to hit him back, to do something. Samantha Puckett didn't take shit from anybody. Instead, I watched her face crumble and tears sprang up in her blue eyes and cascaded down her face. Anger boiled up in me and I pushed myself up off the floor and stormed up to Rocky.

"You Asshole!" I screamed, getting ready to hit him, but he was too fast, and his fist collided with my temple before I could even raise my hands. The last thing I heard before I blacked out was Carly crying and Sam screaming before the door slammed and I sank into darkness.

_He hit her. He HIT her. And I wasn't even fast enough to do anything about it. I wasn't even strong enough to pull her away from him. I was so pissed off that I didn't even think to look where his other hand was. I wasn't fast enough. Strong enough. It was all my fault. My fucking fault…. Carly came in to see me today. And I yelled at her. The first words I'd spoken in a month and they were curses at Carly because she saw the cut. I know she fucking saw it. Her fingers brushed up against the fucking cut when she fixed Sam's hair and she didn't even say anything. I yelled until my beautiful nurse with the blue eyes came in and gave me whatever she gave me and the world became slow and sleepy and easier to handle. Carly held my hand and cried. She told me she knew when she saw the cut. I couldn't believe it. She knew. But. So did I. I always knew. And even with the evidence right in front of me and HIM right in front of me. I couldn't stop it. I couldn't protect her. I couldn't save her. I loved her. I miss her. I miss her so much…_


	5. The Day she tried

I woke up to the sound of my own shaky breathing and the feeling of some one smoothing my hair off my forehead. My head throbbed and the side of my face felt swollen and for the life of me I couldn't remember why. I slowly opened my eyes and was greeted by the fuzzy sight of Carly's chin. I realized I was lying on her lap and the memory of why my head hurt so badly came flooding back to me. Sam.

"Hey you're awake." I looked up and saw Carly staring down at me with bloodshot eyes and a smile.

I sat up as fast as I could and felt the blood shoot back to my head and I almost feel back over. I steadied my self and turned to Carly, who looked as though she had spent the last few hours crying. I looked around. She wasn't here.

"Where is she?" I asked quietly.

She shrugged. "I don't know Freddie." she answered, looking distraught. "After he hit you he dragged her out and I heard them yelling down the hall but I didn't follow them. I needed to see if you were okay." she looked miserable and kept glancing at the door, as if hoping an uninjured Sam would stroll in any moment.

An invisible pair of hands squeezed my windpipe and panic crept into my heart. I needed to find her. Make sure she was alright. I pushed myself off the floor and began to walk out of the apartment when I felt Carly take my hand and pull me back. I so wasn't in the mood for this.

"Let go Carly." I said firmly, attempting to shake off her hand.

"No Freddie, you can't go. You got hit really badly; she'll be fine Freddie you can't go." She was babbling and I was getting angry. I turned to tell her off but when I turned around I was hit by a massive dizzy spell and she managed to pull me back down to the couch with her. She pulled me so I was leaning against her and she wound her skinny arms around my waist. I needed to get up. I needed to go find Sam. God my head was swimming. Everything was fuzzy. I felt her twisting herself so she was right in front of me and she began her relentless stroking of my hair. I made to swat her hand away but I couldn't move. My head, everything swam.

"That was so brave of you, trying to stand up for her like that…" I heard her say from very far away. Oh no. please not now Carly.

"You're such a sweet guy Freddie…" She was moving closer, her right hand was wrapping itself around my neck, pulling my face closer to hers. Why couldn't I fight her? I tried to pull back but every movement sent off a burst of pain into my head and made everything fuzzier.

"I miss kissing you…" She pressed her mouth firmly against mine and pulled me as close to her as she possibly could. An alarm went off in my head and the world cleared up enough for me to start panicking. Wrong. It all felt so wrong. I pushed back the pain of my throbbing head and pulled my head back, trying to get away from her. She didn't get the hint so I placed my hands on her shoulders and pushed her off of me. She fell back against the couch and I stood up and backed up a few feet, my head clearing slightly.

"What the hell Carly!" I yelled, wiping my mouth and gaping at her.

"What's wrong Freddie?" Carly asked, standing up as well and walking towards me, looking confused when I backed up again. "I said we could try it again when I was over the whole hero thing and I am and I like you and what's the problem?" she always babbles when she's nervous.

I just stared at her. How the hell dare she. She just watched her best friend get manhandled and abused and dragged out of her apartment and the only fucking thing on her mind was kissing me. I didn't know whether to be pissed or to pity her for being so stupid.

"Don't you love me anymore Freddie?" she asked quietly, biting her lip and twisting a section of her dark hair in her fingers, an attempt at the picture of innocence.

Now or never Freddie old boy. "No."

Carly blinked. "What?" she demanded, completely forgetting the innocent act and looking straight up pissed.

"I said no. I don't love you anymore Carly." I repeated, crossing my arms in a way that always made me feel a little girlish but what the hell. I was mad.

"Why not?" she whined like a little girl. So annoying.

I had admitted it to myself in my head; I had told myself I was fully aware of the fact. But. Never had I voiced it out loud. Which is why what came out of my mouth came as a shock to me as well as Carly.

"Because I'm in love with Sam."

I don't know what I was expecting from her. Laughter. Screaming. More babbling. What I didn't expect was for Carly to start sobbing as though she just learned her whole family had been murdered. She sat back down on the couch and howled into her hands and screamed un-lady like curses in between her cries.

Oh crap. Now I actually felt a little guilty. I reached out a hand to calm her down but before I could she stood up and faced me with what was probably the scariest expression I had ever seen Carly Shay wear in her life.

"Get out," she spat at me.

"Carly…" I started.

"OUT!!!" she screamed at me.

She didn't need to tell me twice. I inched around her and barely made it out into the hallway when she slammed the door behind me, missing me by centimeters. I stood there in the hallway and for a second I was so mentally preoccupied with Carly's spazz out that I had forgotten about Sam.

Until my phone started vibrating.

I pulled it out and saw SAM on the caller ID. My heart started thudding and my face turned red. Cursing my hormones from here to hell I reminded myself of the trouble she might be in and calmed down enough to answer the phone.

"Hello?"

"Freddie, I need you." Came her frightened whisper.

The fear came back and my heart started thudding for a different reason. "Where are you?" I asked her, not even bothering to go into my apartment but heading straight for the elevator.

"At our Park, Freddie I'm scared please hurry." she whispered desperately.

"On my way."

_Thinking about that still gets me angry. Seeing Carly makes me think of that. She apologizes for it every time she comes into see me. She says she knows she acted silly. She's so sorry and I never meant to hurt you Freddie and I love you so much Freddie and Freddie Freddie Freddie. She tells me my nurse is pretty. That she makes her think of Sam. I don't even like hearing her say her name. The way she acted through the whole thing. She didn't even care about Sam. No one cared about her the way I did. No one loved her the way I loved her. I was so mad at Carly that she left in tears when I refused to say anything else to her. Just like every other time she comes to see me. Because she knows it was partly her fault. But it was all my fault. I don't even have the energy to move my head from where it fell against the wall. I'm nothing without her. I'm lost without her. According to them I'm crazy without her. According to me. I'm dead without her. _


	6. The Day i didnt say it

I willed my retarded old car to move faster as I pushed seventy on the highway leading away from Bushwell Plaza to our park, completely ignoring the light flurry of snow that was decorating my windshield. I wove in and out of traffic and waited for Sam to answer the texts I had been sending as I was driving.

_Are you okay_

_Sam answer me_

_What's going on Sam_

_Sam please._

She wasn't answering any of them and I was on the verge of panicking. I forced myself to keep it together as I pulled off the highway and turned into our park. The first thing I noticed was a fucked up red pickup truck parked diagonally in two parking spaces on the far side of the parking lot. Rocky. I got out of my car and looked around, shivering and shaking the snow out of my hair. I didn't see her any where. I started off towards the rusty old swing set when I heard a shout of

"YOUR DEAD SAMANTHA!!"

Ringing from across the park. I turned to the sound and saw Rocky's meaty figure staggering across the clearing of tree's near the swimming pool, tripping over his feet and crashing into the occasional tree. He continued to scream more but it was all slurred and I couldn't make any thing out of it. I figured since he was screaming, she was probably hiding. I turned and headed instead in the direction of a tall tree towards the center of the park. Our tree, the tree Sam pushed me out of in 3rd grade and the tree where Carly threw up after we found the dead cat under it in the 6th grade. As I neared the tree I saw something on the floor. A flash of purple on the white snowy ground. I picked it up. Sam's phone. I relaxed slightly. She dropped it. That's why she didn't answer. I looked up into the tree and saw her perched in one of the higher branches, beckoning me frantically. I slipped her phone into my coat pocket and pulled myself into the tree.

I reached her branch and sat next to her. Before I could say anything she surprised the hell out of me by throwing her arms around my neck and pulling me into a hug. I was so shocked I didn't move until I realized how badly she was shivering. I hugged her back and realized she was still wearing the thin t-shirt she was wearing when Rocky dragged her out. I let go of her and took of my coat with difficulty. It's hard to take clothes off in a tree. Once I got it off I slipped it over her shoulders, brushed the snow off her head and stared at her.

She bit her lip and stared off into the distance, watching Rocky stumble around, looking for her. I decided she wasn't going to say any thing. So I did.

"Why didn't you tell us?" I said quietly.

She sighed softly and pulled my coat tighter around her before answering me. "It's not exactly something I'm proud of." she murmured, her breath coming from her in icy wisps.

"We could've helped you." I answered, staring at her. Willing her too look at me. She still stared at her boyfriend moving like a zombie through the snow. Boyfriend. Just the word itself made me sick.

"I don't need help from anyone." she said proudly, clenching her jaw and putting on the expression she wore when we were fighting and she was so convinced she was right. "I'm not weak." she finished quietly, almost talking to herself more then me. Her words cut through me like the cold. She didn't tell us because asking for help would have made her feel weak. Sadness settled over me as I continued to watch the small girl in front of me shiver. I felt so useless.

Before I could think of an answer for her when a shout of

"GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE PUCKETT!!!"

Echoed across the empty park and we both jumped. She finally turned to look at me and I stared into her scared blue eyes and swallowed the tears that were forming. I sighed and held my arms open for her again. She stared at me for a second before she sighed and snuggled into them, trying to keep herself warm. I rubbed my hands up and down her arms and tried to stop the thoughts that were going through my head. As troubling as the situation was my mind was trying to be happy of the fact that the girl I loved was curled up in my arms and not punching or insulting me and kept rewinding back to our kiss. I looked down and I could see her pouty mouth and my heart started pumping before I remembered why I was here. I shook the thoughts away and pulled her closer, trying to balance us on the branch. I nestled my face in her blonde hair.

"Oh Sam…." I breathed onto her neck. I thought I felt her shudder when my breath hit her neck, but since it was snowing and she was already shivering, I chalked this one up to wishful thinking.

I held her until it grew dark and about two inches of snow blanketed the park and Rocky had stumbled to his truck and drove away and I couldn't feel any of my limbs anymore. We climbed down from our tree and she nearly ran to my car while I walked slowly behind her on feet numb from the cold. I reached into my pocket and realized that she had taken my keys. A small smile came onto my face. As least he hadn't killed her spirit. By the time I reached my car she had it started and the heater was running full blast. She didn't say anything when got in and looked at her. She didn't say anything during the drive back to Bushwell plaza. She didn't say anything until we reached our floor and we stood in the hallway between mine and Carly's apartments and she finally looked up at me. With those eyes. Our eyes met and I felt electricity course through me and I'm positive she felt it too. She had to have felt it. I saw all my love for her reflected back at me. She loved me. I knew it.

"Thanks Freddie." was all she whispered before turning and opening Carly's door. I opened my mouth to answer, but she slipped inside and I heard Carly fussing over her and exclaiming how worried she was before the door shut and I stood there in front of the door and swallowed the words I was about to say. Those three words. And I swallowed all of them.

_I could have saved her that day. I could have stopped her from going into Carly's apartment and kept her with me and kept her safe from the world. She thought she was so tough. She was too delicate for this world. And I couldn't stop it from breaking her. I failed again that day. I let her go. I saved her for the day and I still let her go. Let Carly handle her. She did shiver when I breathed on her neck. She loved me. I could've told her that day. Told her everything. And then I wouldn't have told her when I did and it wouldn't have happened the way it did and she would still be here and she would still be here still be here still be here and she would still be alive…and I would still have her. I should have told her then. _


	7. The Day she left

"So as you can see," Carly said with a smile.

"That when you set your shoes on fire you can never wear them again!" Sam finished, tossing the charred and blackened sneakers into the trash with a laugh.

My heart loosened slightly with that laugh. The last week had been, interesting to say the least. After Carly and I talked for what seemed like hours she seemed to forgive me for my heinous crime of getting over her, and after I filled her in about what happened at the park, we both took turns looking after Sam, making sure she was never alone, or near Rocky. Sam on the other hand kept up a magnificent façade of appearing perfectly fine. She laughed with Carly, talked with Spencer like normal, and insulted and abused me like usual. The only sign she ever gave that something happened in the park was the looks she would give me when she thought I wasn't looking. I pretended not to be looking as long as possible.

"And I guess that wraps it up for this iCarly!" Carly said holding three umbrellas for some reason.

"So remember…"Sam was carrying an armload of rubber chickens. Why was she carrying rubber chickens? I really needed to stop spacing off during the shows.

"Rubber chickens and umbrellas don't make the best air conditioner." Carly finished, tossing her umbrellas to the side.

They said their spastic byes and made beeping noises until I hit the camera button and said "And were clear."

As soon as the camera was off Sam's smile disappeared and she took off towards the door without a word.

"Hey where are you going?" Carly asked, grabbing Sam's hand as she passed her.

"Um. I just need to go." Sam said softly, attempting to twist her thin wrist out of Carly's grip. Carly didn't release her and pulled her back into the studio.

"Where?" Carly asked.

"Somewhere…"Sam murmured, attempting to pry off Carly's slender fingers off of her.

"Sam." I said, glaring at her with raised eyebrows. She sighed and looked up at us. Carly released her and crossed her arms.

"Please guys?" Sam said almost desperately. "I just need to do something really fast, I'll be fine." she attempted a quick smile and my heart went all gooey. I looked over at Carly and raised an eyebrow. I didn't want to let her go. Carly seemed confused. She shrugged. I sighed and shrugged in return.

"Okay, be back soon?" Carly asked her.

Sam nodded, not looking at us again and slipping out of the studio, not giving us a chance to tell her anything else. I watched her leave and the fear that had recently taken a leave of absence from my throat crawled back in and settled there. Something felt wrong.

"I don't want her to go." I said to Carly.

She was watching the door Sam just left through with a worried look in her eye. "Neither do I Freddie." she said, walking over to her purple bean bag chair and sinking into it. "I'm worried about her. What if she gets hurt?" Carly said, looking at me with her wide eyes.

"I know…" I answered, sinking into the bean bag next to her. "I'm worried too." I felt restless. I wanted to follow her. I couldn't sit still and stood up and began pacing. Carly watched me silently and panic began to settle over me.

"I'm gonna go Carly." I said softly, leaving before she could say goodbye.

* * *

I stood in the shower and let the hot water run over me, trying to calm myself down. I had been freaking out all night and I was so grateful that my crazy mother had taken off an hour earlier for some nurse convention in Portland so she wasn't here to hassle me about spending more than fifteen minutes in the shower. I had sent about four messages to Sam after she failed to return to Carly's two hours after she left and she hadn't yet answered me and I was, well. Panicking. Twice before my shower I had almost left my house to go look for her, but stopped myself right before I could make it out the front door.

I sighed in defeat and turned off the shower, wrapping a towel around myself and walking into my room. I put on my pj bottoms and an old shirt that had the Ridgeway logo on it and flopped down on my bed, once again obsessively checking my phone for her response. Still nothing. I sighed in frustration. I'm so stupid. I let her go again. I rolled over and silently cursed my self before drifting off into an uneasy sleep.

_That night. I would never forget that night..._

* * *

sorry its so short=p

i promise the next chapter will be alot longer =]

reviews make me smile


	8. The Night She Came

I awoke with a start as the thunder shook the windows of my apartment relentlessly. I sat up and looked out my window to see the rain coming down in sheets. I lay back down and almost fell back asleep when I thought I heard a faint knocking sound. Confused, I sat up and listened. The knocking noise sounded again. What the hell. Who on earth could be knocking at, I looked over at my galaxy wars bedside clock, 2:53 in the morning? I slipped out of bed, shivering as my bare feet touched the cold wood floor. I stumbled to the front door in the darkness, stubbing my toe in the process and swearing loudly, silently thanking god that mom wasn't home to hear my choice explicative's. I reached my door and opened it, and felt my heart sink as I completely forgot the pain in my toe.

"Sam?" I whispered quietly.

Sam didn't look at me. She stood there dripping wet, staring at the floor and shaking from head to toe.

"Sam?" I repeated, reaching out a hand for her face so I could get her to look at me. She looked up before I could reach her and my heart made a flying leap into my throat. Sam's beautiful face was a medley of bruises and shallow cuts on her cheek bones. Her mascara had run down her face, darkening the appearance of her already black eyes. Her face was swollen and her eyes were red and bloodshot. Blood mud and grass stained her soaking wet curls and her bangs clung to her forehead. Her swollen lips trembled as my eyes traveled down to take in the rest of her appearance. Her white v neck shit stained in various places with dark mud and tiny spots of what looked like blood were flecked under her collar bone right over her left breast. The neck was torn and the shirt hung loosely off her frail body and her jeans were covered in mud.

"Freddie…" came her strangled whisper. She reached out for me and stared into my eyes with her broken blue eyes. As soon as I extended my arms to her she threw herself into them and broke down into heart wrenching sobs.

"Sam, Sam what happened?" I asked frantically. I received no answer, only more sobs. I gently half pulled half carried her into my apartment and closed the door. I leaned on it and sat down against it, pulling her us down to the floor. She twisted her body and curled up in my lap and cried into my chest. She sobbed my name and shook her head violently as I tried to calm her down. I held her trembling body to me closely and stroked her hair while rocking her slowly.

"Freddie, Freddie, Freddie…" she sobbed, her tiny hands clutching fistfuls of my shirt. I whispered to her softly until her breathing slowed and her sobs became short gasps for air.

"Sam what happened?" I murmured softly.

"he-he-he. Freddie…" she whispered shakily, seemingly unable to say anything other than my name.

"I'm here Sam, I'm here, tell me what happened." my whisper sounded like hers. Seeing her like this hurt me physically. I hated seeing her like this. My Sam…She was way too beautiful to look so sad. "Talk to me Sam."

"he-he-he-he" Sam stammered.

"Who? Did what?" I begged her for an answer. I was scared now. I took her face in my hands and stared into her eyes. "what did he do Sam?"

"I said I didn't want to. I didn't. I said no…"she babbled. I stopped breathing. Oh god please no. "Sam what did her do." I repeated slowly.

"He raped me." she whispered before tears began to flow down her ruined face. My heart sank and my vision blurred and turned red with and rage. I didn't need to ask who anymore. Rocky. That sick son of a bitch. I was going to kill him. Hate engulfed me and I could taste blood in my mouth. I couldn't think clearly until I heard Sam whimper. I was still holding her face, only now with a little more force than I would normally. I looked down at her, and caught sight of her swollen blue eyes. Those beautiful orbs that manage to capture fire in their icy blue depths. My anger temporarily melted away and a deep sadness took its place. I gently pressed my mouth against her forehead in a soft kiss. "I'm so sorry Sam." tears of anger and pain threatened to spill from my eyes.

"I was a virgin Freddie…" she whispered into my neck, her tears warmed my neck and seeped into my shirt. I felt my heart tear in half and I held her tighter so she wouldn't see the tears streaming freely down my face. My poor Sam. I loved her so much. This was all my fault. I shouldn't have let her go. I felt completely useless.

She was no longer sobbing now, but was rather still, small streams of tears continued to run down her cheeks and she sniffled occasionally, but other than that she was quiet. I continued to stroke her wet hair until I calmed down. I remembered how dirty she was. Hw dirty she must feel….

I pulled her to her feet gently, answering her confused expression with a murmur of "shower." she nodded softly and followed me without a word.

When we reached my bathroom, she didn't move.

"Sam, you need to shower." I said, she didn't answer, just looked at me and trembled. Every time I looked into her broken eyes my throat closed up. I reached for her to help her, to get her to move, something. As soon as I touched her she seemed to come back to herself. She shrank away and wrapped her arms around herself protectively.

"I-I got it Freddie…" she whispered.

I just nodded, feeling like an idiot. I silently handed her a muscle shirt and a pair of boxers so she would have something warm to sleep in. she took them without a word, a wary and guarded look in her eyes. I left the bathroom and closed the door, sinking down on my bed and listening to the water running. I didn't move the whole time she was in the shower. I sat on my bed and stared out my window. Fighting off every emotion that was fighting to tear me to pieces. I was gonna stay sane for her. I fought the anger, the hate, the pain and the sorrow. The urge to go find him and slowly dismember him and the urge to break down in tears. I resisted both, and stared out the window. The only emotion I allowed through was the love and sorrow for the broken girl in my shower.

Five minutes later she emerges from my bathroom, hair tousled and face swollen, but at least she wasn't covered in dirt and blood and whatever else he left on her. Her thin frame seemed lost in the loose clothes she had on. I held out my hand without getting up from the bed. She came forward slowly, took my hand and allowed me to pull her into my lap. She curled up on me and I whispered how sorry I was. She remained motionless, her face buried in my neck. Slowly, as not to frighten her, I pulled her back onto the bed, letting her curl up on the far side of the bed as I stretched out a full foot away from her. She turned to the wall and her shoulders began shaking again. I didn't reach for her this time. I turned off my lamp and watched her silhouette in the dark, knowing she wanted to cry alone knowing she was safe. Once she stopped silently crying I rolled over, suddenly remembering how tired I was.

* * *

I awoke about an hour later to the feeling of soft hands running through my hair. I opened my eyes to see Sam watching me as she stroked my bangs off my forehead. It felt so much nicer than when it was Carly's fingers who did this. Seeing he was awake, she pulled herself on top of me and began to trail soft kisses up my chest. My heart was pounding so hard. My face flushed red. My hands found there way to her hips and I rested them there. Her mouth moved from my chest to my neck to my face and finally settling on my own lips. Slightly lightheaded I pressed my mouth back to hers, my head spinning and I forgot for a second why she was here. She rolled over and pulled me with her and my arms tightened around her slender waist. She turned her head and nudged her tongue into my mouth, deepening our kiss. I let out a soft moan and tangled my fingers in her long soft curls. I explored every curve and crevice of her mouth. She whimpered softly and shivers ran up and down my back. All of a sudden I remembered why she was here and I pulled away from her, feeling horrible. She felt me move away and pulled me back.

"Please Freddie…" she mumbled. I shook my head, I couldn't do this. Not to her. "please" she whispered again in my ear, her hand on my face. "fix it for me. Be my real first." her soft broken whisper tore through me like physical pain.

I stared into her eyes, red and puffy from crying and one swollen from where Rocky hit her. Love spread through me, and before I knew I had given in I was on top of her, my mouth covering hers greedily. She returned my kiss eagerly and began to pull at my shirt. I sat up and allowed her to pull it off me. I slipped my hands underneath the thin fabric of her shirt and felt her soft and inviting skin. I began to pull her shirt off as well, when I stopped, remembering her fear in the bathroom. I pulled my hands out but almost immediately they were replaced by Sam's tiny hands leading them back to her waist.

"Its okay Freddie." she murmured against my mouth. She slipped my hands back under her shirt. "I wont break." she assured me as she moved her mouth down to kiss my bare shoulder. I hesitated for a second longer but still pulled it off. And froze. At once I saw why she didn't allow me to undress her in the bathroom. Large, dark bruises spotted Sam's upper body, lining her ribs and I could see them disappear into the boxers she wore. I stared with open mouthed horror at her left breast, where a huge, purple and green bite mark broke the smooth pale skin of her chest. Completely speechless, I stared into her eyes, her once resilient and strong blue eyes that now looked broken and vulnerable as she looked down at her ruined body. I pulled my friend into my arms and held her tightly. Not too tightly. Her bruises.

"I'm so sorry Sam.." I whispered into her sweet smelling hair.

"Don't be sorry." she answered, pulling back and looking at me. "just love me." she begged. Pleaded.

I let out a groan and pressed my mouth against her forehead. "I cant." I whispered, feeling defeated. The guilt was killing me. This wasn't what she needed. This was the last thing she needed.

"Please." she begged, near tears again. "I need you Freddie. Pl-"

_I never let her finish. I recaptured her mouth with mine and pushed her down on the bed gently and I loved her. I tried my hardest to be gentle, but months of love and lust pushed their way into my actions and I was more… aggressive so to speak with her. She didn't protest, rather met my every thrust and every groan with moves and sounds of her own. I whispered over and over how beautiful she was and how much I loved her. She whispered back at me how she loved me. And hot tears dripped from both of us and I loved her so much, and when we finished and I held her in my arms and I looked at her and she told me she had always loved me. And I felt whole. And when I held her and watched my angel sleep. I didn't know it was the last time she would ever sleep next to me. I didn't know I would never again hear her whisper to me reverently as I loved her. I didn't know… I didn't know. i dream about that night constantly. And every night i wake up screaming and crying and freaking out untill my nurse comes in and tells me over and over that it was just a dream. Just a fucking dream. And my crying becomes much quieter and she goes back to bed and my arms ache for her and my heart breaks again. And again. And again.I loved her so much. And she was mine. Even if only for a night. And now she'll never be mine again._


	9. The Day

Light. Soft and pale, still too cloudy to be bright. I rolled over and hugged my pillow, trying to fall ignore the soft light and fall back to sleep. The pillow. It smelled. Sweet. Like oranges and ham. And my shampoo. The memory of her came rushing back to me like a freight train. Her whispers. Her moans. Her. Sam. I opened my eyes and sat up. My room was empty. I looked around. I was alone, naked and lightheaded and my bed was empty. Her dirty clothes that had been discarded on my floor were gone and my clothes she had on the night before that had also been discarded were folded neatly on the foot of my unmade bed. My head cleared and my heart stuttered. Sam never folded anything. Much less anything of mine whether she loved me or not. Forcing myself to breathe I reached over to the pile of clothes and found a note folded gently into my shirt. With trembling fingers I opened. And read.

**Nub,**

**I'm sorry you woke up alone, but I need to go break it off with Rocky. For good this time. I want you. And only you. And I've been letting him do this for too long. And I know what he did to me was. Well I'm not afraid of him anymore. You gave me the strength I need to kick his ass from here to hell. Hopefully I'll be back before you wake up so you won't worry. I love you Freddie and I'll see you soon. **

**Sam.**

Oh no. my heart was pounding blood in my ears and I couldn't even hear my own ragged breathing as I jumped out of bed and started pulling on my clothes and digging around for my shoes. Freddie Benson you are an idiot. I grabbed a sweater and flew down the stairs of the building taking three at a time and racing across the parking lot and into my car. My fingers shook and I drove without realizing where I was heading. I let her go again. I should have woken up when she left. I should have gone with her. I should be with her now. She's so stupid. She can't take him by herself. Fear was threatening to swallow me when I found my self taking the familiar exit off the freeway. Leading to the park. My gut twisted painfully as I tore through the back streets of Seattle leading to the park where a week before I had held her close to me for hours, praying her boyfriend wouldn't find us.

I pulled up to the park and my blood turned into ice and froze my heart mid beat. A fucked up old red pick up. Parked diagonally across two parking spaces. No. I didn't even turn off my car. I didn't even pull into a parking spot. I threw open my door and ran, ran as fast as I could. I reached our tree and froze. And listened. A scream carried across the park and slapped me across the face.

"Let go of me!!!" Sam. I turned and ran towards the sound and ran. I ran until I found them at the bottom of the hill near the old playground. I stopped. Watching them fight. Watch as she punches him and he slaps her and she bites his hand and he pulls her hair and she kicks him and she yells when his hand makes contact with her face and he yells curses at her when she hits him and she's so tiny and he's enormous and a scream is building up in my throat and I'm running again and I'm too far and he pushes her on the floor and her blonde head hit's the floor and I'm still running and his hands in his pocket and she's still on the floor and he pulls out a gun he's got a gun and I'm still running and I'm still too far and it was all my fault and she looks up and her scared blue eyes meet mine and her mouth opens and I wasn't fast enough and he doesn't turn around and he's pointing it at her and I'm running and Sam and I love her and it was all my fault and he pulls the trigger.

And the sound echoes through me and I stop running.

And she freezes.

And looks down

And watches the dark red stain spread across her white t shirt. Right over her heart.

And he smiles.

I don't remember running up to him. I don't remember punching him as hard as I could. And I don't remember wrestling the gun out of his hand and shoving him down on the floor just as he had done to my angel moments before. But I do remember looking into those hateful black eyes and emptying the remaining bullets into his chest. Pumping round after round into him and not even blinking. I do remember how he screamed. I do remember the glazed look in his eyes every time he looked at me and every time another bullet tore his insides.

And I remember the feeling of complete satisfaction as I watched him die.

_They found me three hours later. Cradling her body while his cooled ten feet away. I wasn't crying. Of screaming. Just holding her. It took six police to pry me away form her and I hurt one of them pretty badly. So they told me. They led me to one of the police car and I didn't start screaming until one of them started touching Sam. Moving her. Screaming not to touch her and that I loved her and don't touch her and it was all my fault. Then I started crying frantically, trying to get to her and screaming. They gave me a shot of the same thing my nurse gives me. And I woke up in the Seattle police station, handcuffed and sitting in a dark room across the table from a detective while Carly and Spencer watched nervously from a window. I didn't even look at them. I answered his questions. Without emotions. I couldn't feel. I was numb. It wasn't until he asked me straight out who shot the monster. I looked up from the table and stared straight into the detectives grey eyes. And answered. I did. And laughed. I laughed so hard it scared the poor detective. And it made Carly cry. And it made me laugh even harder. I stood up and laughed and screamed that I killed that bastard and I was fucking happy about it._

_They decided I didn't need a trial. They also decided that I was crazy. But I wasn't crazy. I was far from crazy. But they sent me here. St. Cleary's hospital for the criminally insane. They gave me this room. And my beautiful nurse. And I've been here for the past fucking year. Not eating. Listening to the psychiatrist when he made his rounds. Not speaking. Banging my head against my wall and cursing myself for letting her die. For not being fast enough. For failing her again. And ignoring Carly when she came to see me. _

_My heart breaks every day. I cry myself to sleep every night. And it was all my fault. If I had woken up when she was leaving. If I had drove faster if I had run faster if I had gotten there sooner she wouldn't be dead._

_They didn't let me go to her funeral. They didn't let me see her body. They didn't let me go to her grave. They thought it would upset me. _

_Before she died. After I had killed him and thrown the gun off to the side and knelt by her side and pulled her to me and cradled her head and cried and moaned her name and begged her to be alright. She looked straight at me, and caressed my face with a shaking hand. And whispered that she loved me. And shuddered. And died. In my arms. Before I could answer her. And I died inside along with her. i loved her. I loved her so much._


	10. Epilouge

**I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry Carly. I know how hard it was for you when she left. And when they took me. And I'm sorry I'm leaving you now. I just cant do this anymore. I cant live with this. A whole year. A whole year without her. I cant do it. I need her. I cant breathe anymore without her. Carly I loved her. I loved her more than anything in the world. She was my whole life. She was my everything. She kept me breathing. She made me feel alive. She gave me a rush that became like my drug. I loved her. I had always loved her. I only wished I had told her sooner. So I could have had her for longer. So I could have stopped it from happening. I saw it happening. I knew what she was going through. I didn't want to believe it. She always seemed so unbreakable. I loved her. I should have done something when I first began to see it. I should have stopped it. I could have stopped it. I hate myself. I shouldn't be alive. I don't deserve to be alive. I cant be alive any more. Not while she's not. I'm sorry for leaving you alone. I love you Carly. But I have to go with her. **

**Fredward Benson.**

**March. 2010 **

Carly Shay refolded the creased suicide note, reread a hundred times in the last week. She silently stepped forward and with trembling fingers she placed it on top of the white casket among the roses. She placed her hand on the coffin holding her friend that was suspended above a whole in the ground so far down she didn't bring herself to look down. She placed her hand over the spot where she imagined Freddie's heart would be and allows a single tear to escape her large brown eyes. She pulls her hand away and steps back to the blonde girl who is standing slightly behind her. The blondes face is strangely dry as well. They hold hands and watch as rose after red rose is placed on Freddie's coffin.

Her heart is heavy with grief for losing her last best friend, but her shoulders feel lighter than they have in a year. He finally found his way back to Sam. Finally found his peace. She and Melanie walked around his coffin and placed their hands on the white headstone next to Freddie's. Carly couldn't help the tiny smile that graced her features.

**Samantha Joy Puckett **

**1992-2009 **

**Beloved Sister, Loving Daughter, Treasured Friend **

**Always in our hearts**

At Carly and Melanie's request, Freddie's casket was being lowered into a grave directly beside the whole Carly watched them lower Sam into. So nothing would ever come between them again. Carly's heart ached for her two best friends. When they began shoveling the earth onto Freddie, Carly turned away, unable to watch anymore. With one last loving look at her sisters grave, the blonde girl reached for the tall brunettes hand and together they left the cemetery. Just as it began to lightly rain.

**Fredward Karl Benson**

**1992-2010**

**Loyal Friend, Precious Son, Beloved Nub.**

**Loved Forever.**

_Fin._


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